Marriage from the rocks to the Rock – SERIES 001 Identifying the enemies of a Godly marriage

Marriage from the rocks to The Rock – Series 001 The Opposing Forces To Your Marriage
IDENTIFYING THE ENEMIES OF YOUR MARRIAGE
SELFISHNESS
Unfortunately when most men and women enter into a relationship they ask the question “what’s in it for ME?”. That is the wrong question for a believer. Instead we should ask ourselves what I can give in this relationship. The best attitude as you enter into a relationship is to be selfless. If marriage is all about you, You will soon be drifting away from each other. The key is to surrender and to desire to serve one another. You must be willing to forgo what you think is rightfully yours. Are you willing to be the last in your marriage relationship? Then you will be able to move your marriage from the rocks to the Rock (Christ Jesus).

CASE STUDY; – Gabriel and Carol (not their real names) met after college. Gabriel worked with the government while Carol worked with a local NGO. Their friendship soon turned romantic and within three months they were married. All was well during the friendship, but things changed soon after their big wedding. Gabriel still wanted to “hangout” with his bachelor college friends at the local pub until late in the night while watching the latest premier league match. While Carol remained “home alone”, late into the night. Soon their relationship became rocky and the marriage deteriorated and after two years , Gabriel and Carol went their separate way.

Ephesians 5: 15 – 17 :- So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like these who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.
A Christian believer needs to be careful how they live but especially in a marriage we must be considerate of our partners needs. We must purpose to wisely and with love to meet their needs. We must be ready to go “an extra mile” for our partners to strengthen our marriages. You must be thoughtful. Small things matter in a marriage. Do not take things lightly, be sensitive to the needs of your wife or husband.
LACK OF COMMITMENT
Marriage is a covenant relationship.
CASE STUDY: – Owino came into the big city for the first time when he was enrolled at the University. It was a big change for him from his rural village. Being social and a quick learner he soon fitted into the ways of city life. He joined a big church and was able to use his gift and passion of playing the keyboard during the church worship services. He soon met and fell in love with Njeri. They went to see their pastor and shared about their new relationship. Everyone in church was excited and a committee to plan their wedding was formed. Unfortunately what Owino did not share with Njeri and the pastor was that while he was in form three he got Nafula pregnant (his high school girlfriend) . Although he was still in school the parents insisted that they get married in accordance to African customs and he support the unborn child. Nafula would continue living at her parent’s home under this arrangement until Owino completed his education. For a while he faithfully honored this arrangement, but they lost touch when he came into the city. All was well for several years after Owino and Njeri married. Until Nafula traced Owino and demanded him to honour their previous arrangement. He secretly did until his wedded wife found out and their marriage found itself on a very rocky path. Fortunately they searched for counsel from mature believers and their pastor who helped them restore their marriage, although it was a difficult path for them to follow. ( nb ;-all the characters mentioned are fictitious )
In our case study we find the brother with divided loyalty and commitment in his marriage, which is a common occurrence in many marriages. It may not be extreme like in our case study. Nevertheless marriage demands total commitment to your spouse above your job, ministry, parents, business. I once was leading a thriving Christian ministry, but the ministry became a strain in my young marriage. I was suddenly faced with a choice to continue this great ministry or work on my marriage that was suffering at that point. I am glad I chose my marriage above my ministry. Today, God has given a wonderful ministry and he also preserved my glorious marriage. I give the Lord all the glory and praise. My brother, my sister, it takes commitment to your spouse.
Genesis 2:24 ;- Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Naturally children are committed to their parents, but the above scriptures shows that at the point of marriage that commitment must shift to your spouse.
REBELLION (1SAM 15:23)
Today it is politically incorrect to use the word rebellion, rather we prefer to use more ‘appropriate terms’:- like independent minded or progressive. The truth of the matter is that God instituted marriage. He clearly gave leadership to Adam by creating him first (Genesis 2:18) and referred to Eve as Adam’s helpmate. So we can argue all the equality we want, but that does not move the family principals of God. The man is supposed to lead from the front. However the kind of leadership God delegated to man in the family is not egoistic or dictatorial. It is servant leadership that bears most of the weight in the marriage and the most responsibility for its sustenance. Paul compares the role of the husband to that of Christ to His Church.
EPHESIANS 5:22 – 25 :- For wives this means submit to your husbands as the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church .He is the Saviour of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands , this means love your wives , just as Christ loved church. He gave up his life for her.
The bible clearly instructs wives to submit to their husbands. Husbands are supposed to offer leadership in a marriage . This does not mean he dictates every decision. The couple are equal before God , but the man assumes the position of the captain of the ship . For harmony in the leadership of the marriage and home his wife supports and is active in the decision making process and agree by consensus there is no competition opposition or rebellion in the decisions agreed upon.
CASE STUDY :- Wairumu and Nduati have been happily married for ten years. God has blessed their marriage with three children, John, Praise and Nicholas. Wairumu is a banker with a multinational bank, while Nduati is a prominent businessman in town. All was well in their marriage until, Nduati’s business began to ‘slump’ because of the economic slowdown in the country. His business profits reduced to an all-time low. On the other hand the bank awarded Wairimu, the long awaited promotion to managerial level due to her long faithful service in the institution. You would expect things to be fine the marriage. Unfortunately the financial dynamics have shifted. Initially Nduati was the main bread winner in this family. All over sudden this responsibility has shifted to Wairimu and stress is beginning to show in her as her new responsibility is taking a heavy toll on her. The once submissive wife and mother is no longer willing to do budget like they did earlier in the marriage. She is not willing to explain all her expenditures to Nduati and he feels she is rebelling his leadership as a husband. Fortunately they pay a visit to their best couples (who are mature Christians) home who advise and pray with them and soon the situation improves. {nb:- all characters in the story are fictitious }

ANGER & VIOLENCE
Proverbs 15: 18 ‘A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife: but he that is slow to anger appeasth strife.
We encourage young people aspiring to marry to plan for a reasonable time of courtship. The reason is so they can get to learn about each other before the actual marriage. We advise that is better to break a courtship than a break a marriage.
The courtship period gives you an opportunity to check out for undesirable characters and habits that your future partner may have. If she does not keep time during the courtship, please do not expect her to keep time in the marriage. If he does not call regularly during the courtship, do not expect him to call regularly in the marriage. If he has a short temper and is violent during the courtship, he will be the same in the marriage. We all get angry once in a while, but we must be able to control and manage our anger. Unmanaged anger is destructive especially in a marriage situation and results to violence, injuries and sometimes fatalities. Most of the conflicts in marriage are due to uncontrolled anger. The bible says he that is slow to anger has the ability to appease strife. In today’s everyday language this means; he who can manage his anger, can also manage conflict. In marriage conflict is the norm. You must therefore be ready to manage it. The first step is the ability to manage your anger. Pst , Dr. Alfred Gitu who took me and my Wife Nancy through marital counseling over twenty years ago surprised us in our first session with him. He asked us, “have you ever been in a conflict before?” Desiring to look good and mature before our esteemed Pastor, both Nancy and I vehemently denied ever having to conflict during our courtship. We expected him to congratulate us for being such a wonderful couple. Instead he gave us a look of disappointment and said, “If you have never had a conflict, I don’t think you are ready for marriage, because in marriage you will have plenty of conflicts which you have to manage.” That was a turning point in our outlook of marriage and we have since proved that Pst. Gitu was right.
We have also discovered that when we manage our anger, eighty percent of the conflict is automatically managed. I also want to add that is not worth staying in an constantly abusive, violent marriage. It may be more appropriate to separate for a season as you both obtain godly counsel , prayer and healing.

ADULTERY
The sixth commandment “thou shalt not commit adultery”. (Exodus 20:13) This is the ultimate level of unfaithfulness in any marriage. God also takes this sin seriously. In the old covenant adultery was punishable by death. {Leviticus 20:10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.}
Although the death is not executed physically under the new covenant, a spiritual death occurs to us when we engage in adultery. The marriage bed is sacred and must be kept holy. When we get involved sexually with someone who is not our wife or husband, we defile ourselves, our marriages and families and enter into a curse as believers. It much more worse for a Christian believer to be unfaithful in their marriage than a unbeliever. We are not exposing ourselves to venereal diseases like H.I.V AIDS and the shame that comes with the act , but we are also spiritually defiling the marriage covenant relationship that we are in and ultimately our relationship with God.
Case study: David and Susan{ not their real names} have been married for four years and are Christians. Before David got married he was involved in several short term relationships that were sexual. However after giving his life to Christ he decided to change his wild lifestyle and get married to a good church girl and settle down. Susan and David have had a fairly good relationship, although he has not been able to share his addiction to pornography with his wife Susan. On top of that they do not openly share sexual expectations with each other. Due to David pornographic problem, lately he has been feeling unfulfilled with ‘the bedroom act’. At the office, David has found himself closely attached to the girl with a “bad reputation” Clare. They have been spending long hours after work, at Clare’s request for counseling about her endless wild sexual escapades. During one of those time alone, David and Clare got themselves in a compromising situation and one thing led to another. It was too late when the realized they had committed adultery. Susan found out about it and instead of talking to her pastor or Christian counselor, she decided to take matters into her own hands revive a relationship with “an old flame”. Now there marriage has hit rock bottom and there is talk of separation and divorce.
Adultery is destructive and it has destroyed many marriages and lives. I pray that you do not become part of that statistic in Jesus Name.
FAILURE TO LEAVE AND CLEAVE
Genesis 2:24 ;- Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
When two people get into a marriage they must realize that they are coming from different and diverse backgrounds. Both parties must be willing to adjust from their former mindsets and lifestyle to together make their new home. Unfortunately that rarely happens. Many couples refuse to “come out from home”. They get into marriage but still want to do, think and relate the way they used to. They still want to relate to their parents and siblings the way the previously related. This situation results into conflict and can even break a marriage. If you are ready for marriage you must be willing to change. Especially for Africans who are closely connected to their extended families this becomes a major challenge. In Africa you still do not marry only a person, but the family and community he or she comes from. As much as there are some positive aspects to this, there must be some boundaries set up with the prospective in-laws for you to enjoy a healthy Christian marriage. The couple must be willing to leave their parents’ home and begin their new home.
Case Study: – Joseph and his brother Mark were brought up with their single mum. She worked hard to provide for them a comfortable childhood. By the time they became adults their family was very close. Joseph being the first born, unconsciously began to play the role of a surrogate father in order to his protect his younger brother and his single mother. These made him mature faster than his age. When he met Maggy their love quickly blossomed and was soon married. All was well until Maggy got concerned of the long phone conversation Joseph would have with his mother and younger brother who was still in college. Sometimes the phone calls came late the night. Maggy tried to talk to Joseph about this, to no avail. She therefore reacted by inviting her younger sister to their home to help her with house chores as she waited to join college. As she felt isolated by Joseph’s actions she also decided to get comfort and friendship from her sister. This further drove the couple apart, straining their relationship. Both Joseph and Maggy although married and living under one roof , were still in their respective parents homes. ( all characters in the above case study fictitious)
After leaving….. , the bible talks about cleaving …..The second bit of cleaving involves purposeful getting learn about your differences, similarities and ‘sticking it’ out together , no matter how hard it is and forging a new life and future together, committed to one another to the end by the grace of God.
POOR COMMUNICATION
Words are powerful. We must be careful how we use our words. Proverbs 18:21 – Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. We must realize that our words have consequences especially in a marriage relationship. What we speak, where we speak, to whom we speak , when we speak and how we speak will ultimately determine if we communicate effectively and the success in our marriage. Communication is a major marriage breaker if used incorrectly and the reverse is true. Good communication establishes a strong marriage. To communicate properly in your marriage, it is important to note that men and women communicate differently. Women tend to be more emotional and detailed in their conversations compared to men who are generally more objective and ‘straight to the point’ in their communications. Women tend to talk more compared to men and have a stronger need to talk. Both couples should factor these facts for them to communicate amicably.
FAILURE TO TAKE UP RESPONSIBILITIES AND ROLES IN MARRIAGE
For marriage to work properly, both the man and woman must clearly understand their unique roles and responsibilities clearly. This is important, because as each individual comes into the marriage they have certain expectations they believe their partners will meet for them. These expectations may vary from one culture to another, however generally men are expected to be providers and protectors, while women are expected to be home makers and care givers especially for the children. With globalization and affirmative actions for women this roles are quickly shifting with the independent corporate woman emerging. Couples getting married today should factor in the emerging roles of especially women and agree on how they will navigate their roles and responsibilities. However, the more things change, the more things remain the same. Women will always expect their man to be provider and protector no matter how much she earns or her status in society, While men always expect their women to be caregivers and homemakers even when she is C.E.O or Prime Minster. When she comes back home she is just his wife and mother to her children and vice versa for the man.
BEDROOM PROBLEMS
We plan to have a full session later, but the most important thing when it comes to bedroom matters it is important to talk, be open and discuss your needs.
Genesis 2:25 :- And they were both naked the man and his wife and were not ashamed. Sex is beautiful, holy in marriage. Unfortunately some people come into the marriage with a negative attitude , due to their cultural or pre-marital sexual experience and this drastically affects sex and the general situation in the marriage. The bible says that Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed. Married couples need to borrow that philosophy when they do, bedroom matters will greatly improve.
POOR FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT
We will take full session on this, but briefly it is important for the married couple to have a common account and budget for all their needs together.

Compiled by ,
Willy Ochieng
Senior Pastor
BUSIA LIGHTHOUSE CHURCH